A couple months ago, I wrote a lengthy essay about what the past 25+ years have been like for me personally. None of its information had been reflected at all in any of the songs I've published during that time; it was all about what had been going on in the realm behind that of my "output." Definitely a case of the schism between the art and the artist, the reality of the person's everyday life and what the person selects to refine into artwork. That essay was brutally candid in its examination of some factors at play in my life, and especially one, which I'd never been able to ameliorate in order to get on with things as I ought to have. Our society is rigged such that one has to have this in order to have that; without some crucial element, other aspects of life cannot fall into place.
I sent a link to the essay to various people of my acquaintance, and the responses to the text ranged from patronizingly and superficially telling me that now that I've written it, I can commence a new chapter in my life, to utter non-response. One person did, however, tell me that she was proud of me for having persevered despite the hardship described. Most people, though, cannot handle such candor, not knowing how to process the empathy that it warrants. I could imagine, though, that the backstory that I'd laid out might have been more than some people could fit into their perceptions of me. Upon later reflection, I realized that some individuals might have interpreted the essay as an attempt to harvest sympathy, when in fact it was written from a vantage point beyond which anyone's sympathy is of any use. Some losses cannot be assuaged. A "proper" response would have been, "Now I understand why things have been so hard for you all this time." But never mind.
This crucible of circumstances had hardened me to a lot of the frivolous b/s that covers people's personalities like feathers on birds's bodies. Recently, I encountered a new neighbor in the street, and the way he looked at me announced to me, "I'm a cocky musician prick!" I could just see it on him; I looked away in disgust. If he's such a hotshot, what's he doing living here? No matter – he's a cocky musician prick, with no self-awareness, only self-consciousness. I had been going out to music-related events, open-mic nights, and such, but the atmosphere of attitude and rivalry was thick enough to suffocate me. Although people crow about engendering "supportive community" among artists and musicians, if you flout the status quo, or you refuse to read from the script of strained accord, you eventually have to go home and wipe egg off your face. If you're going through some scary, life-imperiling stuff and just need to go out and be among people, running the risk of making some new friends, being ostracized by a gang of neurotics doesn't hurt, it is an insult to your very being.
On social media, there are all these "rant" videos that people record in their cars, complaining about how much they'd paid at a fast-food restaurant or at the grocery store. They're not saying, "Look at what a pathetic idiot I am, to have blown all this money on strip-mall burritos," nor, "I'm letting you know what a fool I am to have spent $300 on three days' groceries, when you could have fed yourself for two months on that amount." Are people so disconnected from self-awareness or self-determination that they can't see that the consequences of their actions are directly their own fault? Or have such people never been broke until now? They complain about the prices (which they pay) at Five Guys, when it's because of those prices that I've never eaten from Five Guys – $10 for a burger/fries meal (with water to drink) from a locally-owned burger restaurant is a treat for me. And the recent furore over GMO ingredients in Campbell's soups? They're listed. On the labels. By law. FOR YEARS, NOW. You are what you eat, you 3-D-printed pieces of meat.
Returning to my original subject matter: I might need some help, but by now I don't know whether I want any, or don't want to ask for any. I have received some invaluable assistance, but in general, appealing for help results in being attacked. People's response to seeing you having a hard time is to give you more of a hard time. People would rather disparage you as a loser than to help you to win. Similarly, there are Liberal-minded social-support services and assistance programs to help you get by as an indigent bottom-feeder, but none to help you to rise above that. There's all this stuff for low-income people – but their problem, or the root of their other problems, is being low-income. Some people are in the business of keeping poor people more comfortable with being poor. It might be in the interest of Society for there to be programs to guide people on how to enrich themselves financially, but the teeming pool of the underclass is good fishin', and mediocre people need desk jobs.
On the other extreme are the hard-nosed Conservatives who'll berate you for not having made good life-decisions or some presumed fault of your character. Some people make poor life-decisions because they'd not had parents to teach them how to reason in their own better interest. Some people have familial support to cushion their falls. Other people get preyed-upon by opportunistic professional do-gooders who are unconcerned with what one really wants or needs for one's life, instead of to remain an indigent bottom-feeder nestled in the bosom of support programs that could have their funding yanked at any moment. When such a thing occurs, the do-gooders advise their clients, "That's why you should have had a Plan B," despite that they'd presented their programs or services as the be-all and end-all for indigent bottom-feeders.
If/when I make it through this rectum of tribulation, it will be into a new and novel light.